OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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