Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
