glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
