The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
