Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
