Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
