she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
