I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
