I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
