sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
