A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
