I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
