I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
