At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
