if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
