I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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