I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
