He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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