that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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