dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
