Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
