Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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