Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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