when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
