did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
