im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
