youre lurking in front of me
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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