So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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