Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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