Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
