I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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