A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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