That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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