i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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