apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
