i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
