Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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