she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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