I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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