In the future we'll all be gay
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
