How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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