If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
sex in a hospital.. check
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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