don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
