it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
