you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
