We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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