Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well I just put wine in my tea
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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