That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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