Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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