it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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