Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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