I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
